In debt

The truth is, I never wanted for this to happen. It just did. It started years ago when my father died, and I guess it all just ended this morning when I walked by that girl at Starbucks. She was looking through her handbag for something. Her purse? Her phone? A note from someone special? I have no idea. I don't know her. She was wearing a light yellow dress that danced in the wind, almost as though it was celebrating the wind, life, the people walking by, and the rich smell of coffee from the coffee house. She was just standing there as I walked by. Then - she looked up. Just for a moment. And she smiled at me. It was a glowing, friendly smile. That was when I knew it was over, that was when I finally realized it; that I had to die. I had to die because I didn't smile back; because I can't smile anymore.

A smile is such a simple thing. How could a smile possibly drive me to this? Standing on a rooftop, looking down at everybody, their heads – some of them wearing hats – like little colorful dots floating on the surface of the city, or like dust falling through sunlight. I don't really want to jump, but there's nothing else left for me. I can't smile anymore, I just can't. Why keep living if there are no more smiles?

The world is spinning around, and I can't hold on. As I move one step closer to becoming consumed by the empty depth of this world, just one step closer, I feel myself losing everything I ever had. I just don't care anymore. There are no more smiles.

"But there was a smile, dipshit." In the back of my mind there's a part of me that's screaming at me to listen. It's a voice that is my own, but different, and it's yelling at me; yelling at me to stop. And it's true, you know. There was a smile. It just wasn't mine.

"You can't just fucking bail on me like that," I hear the voice that is me, but some other part of me, saying. And I start listening. Finally. "Maybe if I give it time, I will be able to return it. Give it back. You can't just gobble up someone else's smile and never give it back," I think to myself. I feel myself being pulled away from the edge, from the emptiness, from the cars.

Ok. Fair enough. So I won't jump. I can't jump. I'm still bound to this world. I'm bound by a debt that I can only pray I will be able to pay back. I'm bound by the debt of a smile. Until I can return her smile, at least, I will stay. You can't just leave a fucking debt behind you and expect your kids to pay up once you're gone. That's selfish. I'll pay this off myself, thank you very much.

Maybe next year I'll walk by that Starbucks again, to find her standing in the same spot, sipping a Latte, looking at people walking by, just waiting for them to smile at her. Maybe next year I'll be richer, and I'll finally be able to pay her back.

Until then: Thank you. Thank you for your smile. I will keep it safe.